Invest in Relationships

There is this mistaken notion espoused through our media that if we could just achieve a bit more, earn another award, make a bit more money, earn admissions into medical school, become a physician, or whatever else you fill in the blank with, then we would be happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately, no matter what we achieve it will never give us long-lasting happiness and fulfillment. It’s impossible to feel happy or positive all the time, but living life on this ‘deferred payment plan’ is a guaranteed recipe for let-down.

I fell into this trap as an undergrad at Boston University. My dream throughout high school was to play basketball for an NCAA division 1 Ivy League school, hopefully Harvard, which was quite a lofty goal, and just by the percentages, a very unrealistic one. Since I was unable to do so, I vowed that I would work even harder during my undergraduate studies so that I would not fail in my next big goal: getting into Harvard Medical School. Little did I realize that I would fail flat on my face many more times. While these experiences were not pleasant, they were absolutely essential for my growth.

So, I kept going and continued to push and push and push. I got to my junior year in which everything on the outside looked great. I had the privilege to compete on the track and field team, and I was making steady progress in my events. I earned a 4.0 GPA that year. I helped establish a learning assistant program in the engineering department after spending a year working as a learning assistant for introductory chemistry classes. Further, my research went well and I earned funding to present my findings at a conference at UCLA. Lastly, at the end of the year I was eligible to apply for a big scholarship that I ended up earning. I do not share all this with you to brag, but just the opposite. It sounds as if my life was so freaking awesome, right?

That year was my unhappiest. In the rare moments of respite I had from my non-stop schedule, I was overwhelmed with crushing loneliness. This further exacerbated my feelings that I should do more. Why was I feeling this way? Well to do so much, I had to sacrifice a lot of things that I thought seemed unimportant compared to all the things I had achieved in my effort to earn admissions into Harvard’s MD/PhD program; I sacrificed spending time with friends and regularly connecting with my family. However, the more I accomplished and pushed towards finding that elusive level of achievement where I could just take a break and enjoy life, the unhappier I got. I finally realized that my incessant focus on achievement was not sustainable and wouldn’t allow me to pursue a career that would positively impact others and allow me to maintain personal relationships. Therefore, I chose to focus on attending medical school at University of British Columbia so I could live at home while attending medical school.

So if it is not achievement alone that will produce sustainable success, what will? For me, it has been investing in my relationships. With a busy schedule and quite a strong tendency to overwork, I physically have to go to my calendar and schedule in time to spend fostering my relationships with my family and friends. For example, every week I plan at least one dinner with my girlfriend, usually Friday evenings, as I usually am too tired to get any meaningful work done, and do not have any school related activities planned then. I’ve also started doing a weekly Tai Chi class with my Mom because of the vast amount of research backing up its multitude of benefits for one’s health, but what I really enjoy about the class is the time I get to spend and bond with my mother. Lastly, the ethos of service has been huge to me and taught me that building relationships does not always mean spending time with family and friends, although that is lots of fun. During my Master’s program I continued volunteering at Saint Paul’s Hospital, and I also became a volunteer youth coach for the Steve Nash youth basketball league. It was an amazing experience that allowed me to share my passion for basketball and reconnect with the local basketball community, which had been such an integral part of my life during my high school years.

But why is investing in relationships so important? Humans are social creatures. Evolutionarily, living in a tight-knit tribe was essential for our species’ survival. Therefore, having positive connections with others is not only necessary for our performance and sanity, but also for our health as I have detailed in my book review of The Five Side Effects of Kindness by Dr. Hamilton. It is these relationships that you are going to need to lean on when times get tough. But these relationships are only there to help us if we put in consistent time and energy in maintaining them and reciprocating that support. However, this is hard to do when you buy into the message that you need to do more and more and more before you are ‘worthy’, or whatever that means.

Throughout my pre-med journey, I thought that once I got into medical school my life would be all figured out. Boy was I wrong. Medical school is amazing and there are so many life changing and transformative experiences. But not every day in medical school is a dream come true or as glamorous as some YouTube vloggers will make you believe. There are times when it’s snowing and freezing cold but I need to wake up at 5:30am so I can make it to a 8:00am case-based learning session. Even though it is the last thing I want to do, I drag myself out of my warm bed, layer up, and get to class on time.

There are going to be times that challenge you greatly during medical school. You are going to feel exhausted, tired, fed up, and incompetent. It’s your friends and family that are going to be your buffer against this and allow you to stay sane to keep going. Everyone has doubts and feelings of not making progress. There is nothing wrong with this. I would be worried if you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean you just give up, if you are pursuing something you are willing to sacrifice for. At the end of the day, your emotions do not dictate your actions. You may feel completely incompetent and fed-up, but spend some time to refresh with your friends and family, and very quickly you will find that spark that will get you up out of bed at an ungodly hour to get to class on time. For me, my family, girlfriend, and close friends are supporting me through my medical school journey. Nothing great is accomplished by one individual on their own. Don’t be so hard on yourself and take some time to enjoy yourself with friends and family.