Imposter Syndrome Rears Its Head

This weekend, I had the incredible opportunity to attend the Pisacano leadership symposium in Chicago. I had been chosen as one of 10 fourth year medical students to receive this prestigious scholarship in recognition of our academic, creative and community-building achievements and our commitment to a career in family medicine. I was in awe to receive such a recognition and be among peers who had advocated for anti-racism and abortion access on national platforms, published articles in premier journals such as Academic Medicine, and pivoted from personal hardships to provide incredible patient care. Needless to say, I already felt the creeping edges of imposter syndrome as I heard about everyone’s accomplishments and then met their shining selves in person.

That weekend I also got a waitlist notification from a family medicine program I’d applied to. I felt crushed, and a little bewildered, as well—I had sent out my residency applications only three days prior. What had they seen in a 72-hour timespan that made them already feel like I was not qualified for an interview? What had I done wrong?

My mind continued to spiral and replay thoughts of self-doubt and shame, even as I plastered on a congenial smile and sat listening to the accolades of others all weekend. I’d felt defeated and disenchanted by the residency application process already. Earlier that day, we’d discussed imposter syndrome and spoke about how it was a systemic issue that institutions should help address. Really, it should be called imposter phenomenon since it’s an issue that effects so many, particularly, women and minorities. Instead of advising students to stop doubting themselves, institutions have to put people in power who will lift up those not historically promoted to positions of influence. We have to make sure women and minorities are actively recruited, paid equally for their time, and recognized for their efforts. We have to normalize talking about our failures as well as celebrating our successes.

However, I felt like anything but admitting to these bold, outspoken, and overachieving people that I was a failure. Although I recognize that labeling myself a failure for this one waitlist notification was a bit drastic, to me it represented a culmination of the “thank you for your interest but…” emails that I had received over the years. For every story of triumph, there are indeed many stories of rejection, and I felt that acutely in this moment.

So, what is the solution to imposter syndrome – or whatever you want to call it? For me, the immediate outlet for my feelings was crying in an Uber while calling my best friend. My more level-headed plan was to write down these thoughts and hope that it helps others feel less alone in this stressful application cycle. In the long term, I want to encourage more people in medicine to recognize imposter syndrome and give students space to process it, whether that means initiating programs that grant residents and students days off for mental health breaks, more inclusive language and culture around certain specialties, or implementing changes to the residency application process to make it more holistic and less stressful. Any way that it happens, it’s long overdue.

This application cycle, I am thankful to have many friends and family members to speak to about the stressors of the process. I am unashamed to tell them that I got waitlisted within 72 hours of submitting applications. I also have people that I hesitate to tell, because I feel slightly ashamed – but I tell them anyway because I hope to shed light on this process and normalize talking about setbacks. I poured hundreds of hours into my application, refining my personal statement, soliciting feedback and edits, asking for letters of support—and hundreds of dollars as well. While it will feel great to celebrate the successes at the end of the cycle, that’s not until March. Along the way, we must be open about our struggles and setbacks as well, so we can take the time for ourselves we need to rest, regroup and forge ahead.